Lesson #3 The Deacon & His Wife

Hello TMC Family and Friends,

During the month of July 2023 we received deacon nominations from the congregation. After the Board of Elders prayerfully and carefully evaluated the nominations, we are happy to report that we have two strong deacon candidates and one yokefellow candidate (deacon in preparation) that we believe God has provide to serve The Mission Church of Lexington! These three men are now being trained to serve in this important Biblical office. If once the deacon training is finished and the deacon candidates as well as the Board of Elders believe the Lord is still leading in this matter, these three men will be presented to the church during the “Information and Celebration Gathering” on December 3rd for church affirmation. The newly established Board of Deacons will begin their tenure in January 2024. Over the next 6 weeks I will be sharing with you through this blog the sessions that I am using to train and equip our deacons so they can be the deacons they want to be and so they can be the deacons that TMC needs them to be! I believe the information in these sessions have spiritual and practical benefit to every Christian and every covenant church member.


Scenario Conversation Starter:

It is deacon nomination time again at The Church in the Mountains, and two fine men are being considered for nomination. Don has been married for 12 years, has a stellar reputation as a godly man whose wife is exemplary in every way. Carol is active in the church, teaching third grade girls, singing in the choir, and serving wherever needed. James has been married 14 years and also has a stellar reputation as a godly man with much ability and willingness to serve. However, Patty, James’ wife, is not consistent with her church attendance and doesn’t volunteer in any church sponsored ministries.  She is also known for being overly outspoken, loud, and opinionated whenever the church as a body makes decisions she doesn’t agree with. Sometimes she prefers discussing matters publicly instead of privately and other times she prefers to talk privately about people instead of going directly to them for clarification and resolution. When Patty is upset about something at church or at home, people are going to hear about it.

  • If you were evaluating these two men to serve as deacon, how would the conduct of their wives’ factor into your                          decision?
  • Would James’ wife’s behavior prevent him from becoming a deacon?
  • How does Don’s wife’s behavior add credibility and value to him becoming a deacon?


I know you would agree with me that the contribution your wife makes to you and your home is priceless. And this is especially true when you are a pastor or a deacon. To say that a deacon’s wife plays a vital role in her husband’s ministry is an understatement. I’ve heard it said that no one prevents a deacon from walking with Christ, but if anyone could, it would be his wife. Yet at the same time, no one can be a greater encouragement to a deacon than his wife.


Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.


Like it or not, when a man become a deacon, his wife is elevated to a position in the church where more is expected of her. I like to think of her influence as a fragrance of encouragement that extends from her innermost being into the life and ministry of her husband and to all with whom she comes into contact. She can bring great joy to his service and at the same time being joy to everyone around her. Let it be said that the value of a godly, supportive wife is incalculable.

Many sermons have been preached on the qualifications of a deacon, but very few on the qualifications of the deacon’s wife. Yet the Bible is not silent about this matter. Instead, it speaks clearly of her attributes, her ministry, and the home she shares together with her husband. As we explore the qualities of a deacon’s wife in this lesson, keep the following statements in mind: A deacon’s wife needs to share the same calling with her husband and a deacon’s wife needs to have the same character as her husband.


Let’s first look at the general qualities for all Christian wives. From this lengthy but beautiful passage of Scripture about the godly woman, we discover four general qualities of a good wife.


Proverbs 31:10-31 Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar. 15 She also rises while it is yet night, And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; From [c]her profits she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is good, And her lamp does not go out by night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, For all her household is clothed with scarlet. 22 She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.


1- The Treasures of a Good Wife (v10-12)

A good wife is a virtuous woman. The writer uses the word “virtuous” which means integrity and moral strength. A good wife is strong in all moral qualities. She is also a valuable woman to her husband and family. The word “worth” speaks of her preciousness. Ruth is the only women in the Old Testament who is called a “virtuous woman” (Ruth 3:11). Solomon would have given a king’s ransom for a woman like Ruth. The prayer of every deacon’s wife ought to be “Lord, make me a virtuous woman”.


To what does the Bible connect the value of a good wife? It connects her value with her love. Verse 11 contains a phrase that describes the heart of a deacon for his wife, “the heart of her husband safely trusts her.” A deacon has great confidence in serving when he can safely trust his wife. Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship. Allow that trust to be destroyed, and you will struggle the rest of your life in your marital relationship.


2- The Thrust of a Good Wife (V13-22)

Note that a good wife is a hard worker (V13). The fact that she willing works implies that she is not serving her husband or her church out of forced obligation; instead, she is serving out of calling and passion. As a result, she has a busy and productive life. A deacon’s wife allows God to take the capacity she has and uses it both inside the home and outside the home. She is a completer not a competitor with her husband. She has strong ministry chemistry together.

Verses 14-22 describe the activities of the good wife, and those activities display the following qualities of her character:

  • She is not lazy.
  • She is health-conscious and energetic.
  • She is generous.


Ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might.

Colossians 3:23 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.


3- The Truths of a Good Wife (V23-26)

It has been jokingly said, behind every good man you will find…. A surprised mother-in-law… lol. Behind every good man you will find an even better woman.  Verse 23 says “her husband is known in the gates”. This means a good wife has a positive influence on the effectiveness of a man to achieve and accomplish goals and responsibilities in life. Because his wife encourages his strengths, helps his weaknesses, counsels him wisely, builds up his confidence, helps mold his character, and gently ministers to him as he ministers to others.

Furthermore, a good and godly wife imparts confidence in her husband (V25-26). These verses move from what a good woman does with her hands to what is in her heart. Among her greatest assets is “wisdom”, the ability to live life skillfully. Wisdom is the right application of knowledge. Additionally, “the law of kindness is on her lips”. This means the deacons wife should have a mind full of wisdom and a mouth full of kindness. When this is the case, she will bring great benefit to her husband’s life and ministry.


Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 [a]gentleness, self-control. 

Ephesians 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.


4- The Testimony of a good wife (V27-31)

As far as her family is concerned, she is the greatest wife and mother in the world. Therefore, a good wife deserves adoration and honor. The best wife a man can have is one who loves God first of all and most of all. Because when she is accurately loving her Heavenly Father God, she can accurately love her earthly family.

Matthew 22:36-38 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment.


We have now looked at four general qualities for all Christian wives. Now let’s look at Four Specific Qualities of a deacon’s wife.


1 Timothy 3:11 Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things.


1- A Deacon’s Wife Should Be Reverent

Placing the qualities of a deacon’s wife in the same text as the qualifications for a pastor and a deacon shows just how important her role is. The word “reverent” means that the deacon’s wife should be serious about her calling; she can help her husband to serve as deacon or she can hinder her husband from serving as deacon. A wife can either make or break any man who serves in the ministry. “Reverent” also means that the deacon’s wife demonstrates self-respect in her conduct. The Apostle Paul stated that he was careful to keep his conscience clear with God and with others so there would be no barriers to making God known.


Titus 2:3 The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things.


2- A Deacon’s Wife Should Be Responsible

The word “devil” is translated from the same word as the word “slanderer”. This term also means “doubled tongued” and refers to one who is given to finding fault with others. This type of divisive conduct is simply irresponsible and may severely damage the unity of the church.

Remember, the deacon’s ministry began in response to a need that was causing division in Acts chapter 6. A deacon’s wife would be hypocritical to engage in conduct that creates the same problem she is responsible for preventing. Here are the three principles to help guard against being double-tongued:

  1. How one discusses another person’s character disclose one’s own character.
  2. An irresponsible wife easily disqualifies a potential deacon.
  3. A deacon’s wife manages her opinions and her concerns responsibly.


Proverbs 21:23 Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles.

James 3:8 But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.


3- A Deacon’s Wife Should Be Reasonable

The word “temperate” conveys the idea that the deacon’s wife must be sober in judgment and have self-control by not cheapening the ministry or the Gospel message by foolish behavior. “Temperate” also means to have a serious attitude and earnestness toward the deacon’s work. “Temperate” can also mean vigilant, an attitude which can be expressed in four ways:

  1. Being practical
  2. Being sensible
  3. Being logical
  4. Being fair in dealing with others.


Proverbs 28:26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered.


4- A Deacon’s Wife Should Be Reliable

The world “reliable” means “faithful in all things,” and can be used both in a passive sense and in an active sense. The passive sense means that others can rely on her. The active sense means that she relies on God and those He has placed in authority over her in leading the church.

Colossians 1:10 That you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.

Hebrews 13:17 Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.


In closing, the wife of a deacon wants to grow in faith and be faithful in service just like her husband. There is simply no way to place a value on a wife who is a good and godly woman. She is priceless. And together with her husband, they will prove to be strong servants of the Lord by serving the local church.


Discussion Questions:

1- This lesson states that church members expect a higher standard of conduct from a deacon’s wife because of her husband’s position. Do you think this expectation is reasonable or unreasonable? Why or why not?
2- Situations like medical emergencies, bereavement, and special events can really disrupt a deacon’s time at home with family. How can a deacon’s wife support her husband when the demands of the ministry are unexpected or time consuming? How should the deacon handle the situation of a wife who has become unsupportive of his ministry commitments?

3- What should the relationship between a deacon and his wife look like anyway? How does the Bible describe how a husband and wife should interact with each other? What are signs of an unhealthy relationship within a deacon’s home?


If this blog post has grabbed your curiosity and you would like to know more, please pursue any/all of the below options:

1-              Contact me at pastor@missionchurchlex.org

2-              Check out our church website Misisonchurchlex.org

3-              Visit us for Community Celebration and Worship every Sunday at 9am and 11am (Facebook livestreaming available at 9am) and Mission Groups                    each Wednesday at 630pm. We are located at 3288 Beaver Creek Drive Lexington KY 40515.

4-              Follow us on Facebook www.facebook.com/missionchurch.lex

5-              Continue to read this weekly blog- “Find your Why with Pastor D”

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